Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Censu(ckmyballs)s Bureau

So I was employed for a time with the United States Census Bureau. To gank this ball o' fun of a work experience, I had to take an aptitude test way back in January. This test consisted of very difficult questions such as, "What is the fastest route from house A to house B? or...What is 74+38?

Somehow, I managed to give that WHOPPER of a test a run for its money by getting 24/25 correct. Don't ask what I got wrong, they wouldn't tell me (although I'm pretty sure it was the question about the Cheers' theme song...)

So I get the job, and of course the government is sketchy about when I will start working, who I report to and how much I will be getting paid. I find out I have to come back for a day of training ("Did I say Monday? I meant Wednesday" -government sock) which then becomes a day and three days, which is later extended to a day and a week.

I skip a week of school, la-de-da, does wonders for my grades as you could guess. I sit through this boring-ass training which was 4 times longer than it needed to be, as everyone else hired was about 44 years my senior and didn't know a cell phone from a car battery. Thank god I got paid for that (13.50 an hour, CHA-CHING)

So I get to the last day of training and let me supervisor know that I won't be able to start the real work until I get back from school about a month later. He then proceeds to stare at me dumbfounded and ask why I didn't mention that earlier. However, I had, just not to him. Later that night I get a call from him, saying WE ARE FIRING YOUR ASS BITCH, THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO STAY IN SCHOOL!

And by that I mean he said, "We're going to have to let you go because of your time conflicts." So I smile and thank him for his time, hang up and then furiously dial HIS supervisor and proceed to lay down the verbal hurt. In summary, I said, "Oh HAEL NO! I did not take off a week of school for this shit to come back and get fired! Gimme my job back BITCH"

To which he was like, "Oh my goodness I'm so sorry, of course you can have your job back and I'm going to blatantly go out of my way to tell you what an excellent job you've been doing so I can cover my ass from making a stupid mistake in letting someone fire you!"

Alright, so the power dynamics may be a little skewed there but the end result was about the same; I did get my job back.

Of course, I start work when I get back from school, expecting it to last for about a month, giving me a pretty penny (*cough, $2,500 cough). And what happens? All those old people frickin' work their asses off while I'm at school so that the job gets finished 3 weeks early!

Oh well, I guess old people need their meds more than I need to roadtrip to California...

Saturday, May 16, 2009


Alright so I was thinking of things to bash and obviously the first thing that came to mind was this god-awful series. To be fair, I have not read any of the Twilight books, so there may be some subliminal messages you want a vampire for a boyfriend even though they don't exist surreptiously slipped in there somehow that would hook even the most cynical of cynics, but assuming not, we move ahead.

ok so seriously, what the fuck? Why is the entire female populace going ga-ga bananas over fricking Edward Cullen? I have read excerpts and half the fucking book is a description of how beautiful and sexy he is! This is seriously border-line porn for tweens with internet parental controls and middle-aged moms who don't know start a computer.

It would be almost normal if everyone kept their little obsession to themselves, but no, they have shove it down my throat. For example, today I was at an improv show and the audience were prompted to ask questions to a series of "panelists" (the improv crew). Of course one AWESOMELY UNIQUE young lady had to say..."Um...I'm in love with a fictional vampire, what should I do?"

You should burn your Twilight books is what, girly NIP THAT SHIT IN THE BUD.

Another Twilight side-story. My friend was in an airport bookstore and was contemplating Twilunacy while observing a Twilight display shelf, when a man approached her. "Read it." He said, in what I'm sure was a very creepy manner. To which my friend said, "Well I want to know what the hype is about but I don't want to read something just because everyone else is..."

To which HE SAYS:

"Who cares what shade of green you are, when the whole world sees in black and white?" and swiftly vanished.

RIGHT, RIGHT?? Crazy people like this book! But in all fairness, props to that creepster because that is a really cool idea. My interpretation is that basically everyone is going to label or put you into one category or another anyway, so fuck keeping up with appearances and do what you want. However, the fact that this adage was used to defend Twilight taints its coolness somehow.

Anyway, point being, Twilight sucks and if you read it you are a sheep who I will use to feed the real vampires when they come. Real vampires don't fall in love with farmgirls, THEY EAT THEM FOR B'FAST


Hello all,
I have decided to start this blog for three reasons:

a) To share some of the crazy shit that goes on in my life that you can't make up. (Example: as I was writing that sentence, my nose began to run and I had to get up and get a tissue! Have you ever seen a character in a movie stop what they are doing to get a tissue? YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.)

b) To talk about cool things that I find and want to share.

c) To make fun of people and things, because well that is fun and a half.

Hopefully something in here will interest you, I do a lot so I've got a lot of material to work with...Oh and as for the title, it's 3:19 am, I'm sick and haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a a week so why stop that streak now? I'll sleep when I'm dead.