Twilight

Alright so I was thinking of things to bash and obviously the first thing that came to mind was this god-awful series. To be fair, I have not read any of the Twilight books, so there may be some subliminal messages you want a vampire for a boyfriend even though they don't exist surreptiously slipped in there somehow that would hook even the most cynical of cynics, but assuming not, we move ahead.

ok so seriously, what the fuck? Why is the entire female populace going ga-ga bananas over fricking Edward Cullen? I have read excerpts and half the fucking book is a description of how beautiful and sexy he is! This is seriously border-line porn for tweens with internet parental controls and middle-aged moms who don't know start a computer.

It would be almost normal if everyone kept their little obsession to themselves, but no, they have shove it down my throat. For example, today I was at an improv show and the audience were prompted to ask questions to a series of "panelists" (the improv crew). Of course one AWESOMELY UNIQUE young lady had to say..."Um...I'm in love with a fictional vampire, what should I do?"

You should burn your Twilight books is what, girly NIP THAT SHIT IN THE BUD.

Another Twilight side-story. My friend was in an airport bookstore and was contemplating Twilunacy while observing a Twilight display shelf, when a man approached her. "Read it." He said, in what I'm sure was a very creepy manner. To which my friend said, "Well I want to know what the hype is about but I don't want to read something just because everyone else is..."

To which HE SAYS:

"Who cares what shade of green you are, when the whole world sees in black and white?" and swiftly vanished.

RIGHT, RIGHT?? Crazy people like this book! But in all fairness, props to that creepster because that is a really cool idea. My interpretation is that basically everyone is going to label or put you into one category or another anyway, so fuck keeping up with appearances and do what you want. However, the fact that this adage was used to defend Twilight taints its coolness somehow.

Anyway, point being, Twilight sucks and if you read it you are a sheep who I will use to feed the real vampires when they come. Real vampires don't fall in love with farmgirls, THEY EAT THEM FOR B'FAST